Kindergarten
by Theheroineinprogress
Summary: A human AU where the Germans are Kindergarten teacher with everyone else as their babies. Collab fic with Dr. Doitsu.


**Title: Kindergarten - Hetalia AU**

**Rating: R-13 for profanities**

_A collaboration fic with Dr. Doitsu... I had so much fun writing this with you. You're a genius, man!_

* * *

"Teacher Luddy!" A rather effeminate voice called out from a distance. Turning around, the younger of the German brothers dropped his gaze to find little Italy about his knee high.

"What is it, Feliciano?" He crouched down, the younger reached up - wanting to be carried. The blonde picked him up and wiped the moist in the corners of his eyes as he stammered his words for the teacher.

"B-big brother Lovi took my pasta for lunch!" He cried, his little fists rubbing his eyes.

Ludwig sighed and nodded, adjusting Feliciano into a more comfortable position. "Where is he?" The blond asked, receiving only Feliciano's snivelling as a response. After repeating the question, he finally convinced the young brunet to tell him where the incident had taken place.  
"Only _you _would cry over pasta," Ludwig sighed as he made his way over to the cloakroom where the lunch boxes, coats and shoes were kept until they were needed, each set of belongings hung on a peg with its respective student's name on it.

There on the bench was Lovino Vargas. There on his face was an entire lunch's worth of tomato sauce.

"Lovi, Lovi! Look! The tomato plant is sprouting a flower!" exclaimed a young brunette with green eyes, tugging the hem of Lovino's frilly blue kindergarten uniform while pointing at the direction of the plant.

The other's ears perked up, following the Spaniard towards the potted plant. Both eyes gleaming in excitement.

"Woaaaaah" both breathed out, amused with the plant's ability.

With a sigh, Ludwig strolled towards them, kneeling next to Lovino before clearing his throat.

"Lovino, did you take your brother's lunch?" He asked in the most kind and patient voice. They were kids, afterall. Delicate and very, very fragile which needed much of his tolerance.

Lovino shook his head, despite the evidence that was all over his chubby little face. Sighing, Ludwig nodded in Feliciano's direction.

"That's not the same thing that your brother told me." He stated, meeting the oldest Italian's eyes. "So, did you take your brother's lunch?" He asked again as he wiped the sauce away from Lovino's face with a tissue.

The tiny brunet's eyes widened at the sight of the sauce, and he shook his head. "That's from my lunch, not Feli's!" He argued, wiping his face with his finger and licking it. "This is pizza sauce, dumbass!"

Ludwig frowned. He was going to have to give Gilbert a stern talking to later on. Nodding, he stood up to his full height. "Ok then, do you know who _did_ take Feliciano's lunch?" He asked Lovino and the brunet shrugged.

Antonio on the other hand, waved his hand in the air madly. "Sí! Sí! I saw superman with some pasta!" He yelled excitedly.

Ludwig looked confused but nodded and retreated into the playroom, ushering the two in with him and still holding onto Feliciano.

The room was in chaos, as expected from a group of kids. Many are running around, chasing and hiding while the others are much absorbed into drawing in one corner.

"That is ugly, _mon ami_." One exclaimed, taking the shorter blonde with a very bushy eyebrow's artwork into his hands. "It doesn't even look like a _lapin_… Are those horns?"

"Give it back, frog! Those are ears!" His tiny hands tried to grab the paper, but Francis automatically ran away before his fingers could even reach it.

"No way! I would totally hang this on the board!" He laughed, escaping the young Brit. "Come and catch me, _mon amour~_"

Little did he notice running into a pair of legs and tripping head first on the ground.

"Hahaha! Stupid Francey-pants!" Arthur snatched away his 'artwork' before his rival could even recover. "You wanker!"

Ludwig cleared his throat, his eyes dead serious on the two before him.

"O-Oh! Teacher Ludwig, Hi!" The blonde grinned nervously, a little leg kicking the still lying French on the ground, motioning him to get up.

The German heaved a sigh, shaking his head before asking. "Do you two know who took Feliciano's lunch?"

"_Au contraire_, Teacher. Why would anyone take such an immature dish? Well, I do know someone who could have possibly took it because of his God awful lunch." He nudged Arthur with his elbow.

The Brit glared at him, furrowing his unnaturally thick eyebrows at the French child beside him. "I do not have a 'God awful lunch' ! It's better than eating snails!" He argued with a frown.

Francis laughed in response, flicking his hair in the shorter blonde's direction. "Your dinner is always so disgusting,"

"You take that back, frog!"

And Arthur could have gone on to say much, much worse things had Ludwig not interrupted the two by coughing loudly.

"Both of you. Stop arguing!" He demanded, frowning at the two. "And Arthur put down those scissors. If you try to cut Francis' hair again then I'm calling your mother." The German stated.

Both of the young blondes sighed and went back to their drawings, kicking each other under the table. Ludwig was about to tell them to stop when he noticed something red and blue dash past the bookshelf. Intrigued, he followed.

When he caught up with it, Ludwig saw that it was none other than Alfred F. Jones in his hero costume of the day.

Ludwig paused as he remembered what Antonio had mentioned about 'superman' taking the pasta.

He followed the young American across the room, who was now jumping from table to table whilst laughing with his very loud and obnoxious voice.

"Go away, you villain! The Hero will save the day!" He announced at the top of his lungs, taking balls of crumpled papers and throwing them at the unsuspecting Russian.

Ivan covered himself with his pudgy arms before flashing an odd, crooked smile. "_Da_? I'm not a villain. I'm everybody's friend." He glared, despite the malicious grin on his face.

"Stop hurting brother, you pig!" One of his sisters snapped, hands quickly grabbing the set of scissors on the table threateningly.

With furrowed brows, Ludwig stepped in and took the safety scissors from the girl's hands. "Throwing scissors is not allowed in the school." He warned, keeping them away from any of their reach. "Alfred…" He continued with a sigh. "Did you eat Feliciano's pasta?"

Alfred smiled. "It's not pasta! It was kryptonite so I had to get rid of it!" He stated as though he had done the world a huge favor.

Feliciano burst into tears when he heard the American's statement. "Y-you g-got r-rid of it?!" He whimpered. "B-but it was p-pasta!"

Ludwig frowned at Alfred. "First of all, you are not allowed to go through any of the other students belongings, und secondly I want you to tell me where you hid it."

The young American looked up at his teacher with a smile. "I didn't hide it! I ate it! Dr. Octopus poisoned it so as the hero, I sacrificed my own life to eat it so that no one would get sick!" He said, beaming proud and mighty.

Still frowning, Ludwig bobbed Feliciano up and down in an attempt to stop him from crying as he spoke to Alfred. "Naughty step. Now."

"But I saved his life!" The 'hero' argued, waving both hands in the air as though that would somehow prove his point. "Don't I get a gold star...?" He asked in a disappointed tone of voice.

"Nein. You get to sit in the corner when class resumes as punishment for going through Feliciano's locker, and for stealing his lunch."

"B-but- Dr. Octopus-"

"No buts, Alfred." Ludwig dismissed, frowning at the kid.

After a moment or two, a grumbling sound distracted him from disciplining his student. As if on cue, Feliciano bursts into tears. Assuming it was him and his hunger, the blonde decided to calm him down. He glanced at his watch, which indicated fifteen more minutes until they resumed from lunch time.

"Dont worry, Feliciano. You can share lunch with me." He cooes, patting his head before leading him back to his table.

Shifting Feliciano on a more comfortable position on his lap, he retrieved a green lunchbox from the drawers which contained nothing but a set of wursts, and potatoes. It looked as if his beer would have to wait for now, seeing it's inappropriate to drink in front of Feliciano.

Smashing the root crops, he began feeding the Italian.

"Umpft- That sucks." The little one remarked, puffing his cheeks. Ludwig took a deep breath, trying to prolong his patience for the rest of the day.

After lunch, Gilbert grinned at the children that he would be teaching. "Alright birdies, sit in a big circle. You too, Alfie. Everyone sit down on the story mat!" The albino waited for the children to sit down before joining them. "Ok, forget everything that you thought you knew about the alphabet!" He ordered, clearing his throat. "Now, repeat after me: A for Ass, B for Bastard, C for Crap, D for Dick…"

The children copied him loudly and Gilbert continued. "E for Erection, F for Fuck, G for Goddamn, H for wHore, I for Idiot, J for Jizz…"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Ludwig yelled, coming back from changing Feliciano in the bathroom and interrupting the session.

"West! Don't shout! You're upsetting the kids!" And sure enough, each of the children had started crying as a result of the sudden shout. Everyone except for Ivan, who appeared to be almost enjoying the other children's wailing.

Ludwig's blue eyes widened in panic, but first he needed to take care of his brother. "What are you teaching the kids?!"

"The Alphabet!" The albino poorly defended. Well, he _is_ right, though.

The blonde would have scolded him longer, if it wasn't for their student's wailing which seems to get louder every second.

"O-Okay, okay. Shush-" He cooed, picking up the crying Feliciano and Kiku into his arms in attempts to make them stop. But it's obvious, and he knew it's not going to work. Not with more than twenty children in a room.

"Gilbert! Help me out here!" He growled at his brother, still trying his best to make everyone stop wailing.

"West, you can't stop them from crying just like that!" Gilbert states, bending over to pick up Elizabeta and Roderich. "Smile, West!"

Ludwig sighed. "What good will that do?!" He demanded, putting Kiku and Feliciano down and picking up Alfred and Natalya.

"Stop crying." He ordered, but it didn't work. With a frown, he put them back down.

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" He shouted. It worked for a second, and there was a moment of shocked silence before the children began to cry even louder.

Gilbert shook his head and pulled a ridiculous face at the two infants in his hold. "Blurgle squirkle!" He babbled, succeeding in making Elizabeta laugh, and after tickling Roderich he had soon managed to make both of the children collapse into a fit of giggles.

Ludwig frowned in confused silence as Gilbert continued to talk gibberish in an attempt to cheer the children up and, one by one, they eventually stopped crying.

All except for Feliciano who wasn't upset anymore but just wanted Ludwig to pick him up. The blond bent down to pick up the Italian infant and was immediately hugged by Feliciano who soon fell asleep, emitting quiet 've's instead of snoring.

"Told ya so." Gilbert grinned, and Ludwig narrowed his eyes at him. "Teach them the alphabet. The _real _one. _**Now**_."

"But that's boring!" The older whined.

"_**Now**_, Gilbert." He snapped through clenched teeth, to which the Prussian couldn't refuse. With a sigh, he stood in the center of the room and began again. Each student with a pair of eager eyes watching and listening. .

Gilbert stood and cleared his throat loudly. "Alright you awesome birdies - but not as awesome as I am! Time to learn all three letters of the alphabet!"

He grinned and prepared his arms into air guitar position.

"F is for friends who do stuff together! U is for you and me! N is for anywhere and any time at all down here in the deep blue sea!"

Ludwig frowned. "Gilbert, what are you-?!"

"Over to you, Ivan!" The albino grinned and the tiny Russian smiled. "F is for fire that burns down the whole town! U is for Uranium _bombs! _N is for no survivors WHEN YOU-"

"Ivan!" Alfred scolded. "Those things aren't what fun is about! Here, do it like this!

F is for frolic through all the flowers, U is for ukelele, N is for nose picking, sharing gum and sand licking here with your best buddy!" At this point, the young American grabbed Arthur and Francis and laughed loudly despite the Brit's protests.

"That is _not _the alphabet.." Ludwig groaned.

With the growing headache the German is now experiencing - not only with the kids, but with his brother as well, he decided to sink down on his chair for a while and take some pain reliever.

Taking care of these many kids can be quite stressful, of course. Specially when your supposed partner is not helping at all.

Little did he notice falling asleep with his head on the table due to immense exhaustion.

For a few minutes, he was out. Until a small hand began tugging the hem of his apron.

"Teacher! Teacher!" A small voice cried, wanting him to wake up. "Teacher, wake up!"

Blue eyes snapped open in alarm, scanning the room for anything wrong. Only to realize it was everyone's nap time and Gilbert is just about done tucking the sleepyheads in with a blanket.

Ludwig looked down only to see Feliciano with Kiku asking for his attention.

"What is it?" He asked, rubbing his eyes and adjusting his vision to see clearly.

"Kiku and I made it, look!" The young Italian handed him a paper with crayon drawings; it was supposedly Ludwig carrying Feliciano and Kiku, with the rest of the class below. A rainbow was drawn on the white space above, with the scrawny lettering 'Best Teacher Ever'.

Ludwig looked down at the paper, inspecting it carefully.

"This is...I...Danke, boys." He said, honestly touched by the boys' drawing. "Thank you." He said, smiling. "You're very good at drawing,"

Feliciano smiled and hugged him while Kiku nodded politely.

"I'm glad you like it, Mr. Luddy!" Feli cheered.


End file.
